Why Going to Therapy is One of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Child
One of the best gifts you can give your child is a deeper awareness of yourself.
Who are you? What makes you tick? What brings you joy and what has brought you pain? What gets you stirred up (also known as “triggered,” “activated,” or losing your sh*t!)? What are your raw spots as a result of your own childhood experiences?
Our upbringings are like invisible backpacks we each carry around everyday. These backpacks are filled with the big events, little moments, interpersonal interactions, and the general day to day “air we breathed” as children that, combined with our innate personality, make us who we are as adults. These backpacks are the templates for how we relate to others in relationships.
The vulnerability and innocence of children highlights just how much we carry our pasts with us as adults. Our interactions with them shine a light on aspects of our own childhoods that were difficult, painful, or confusing.
For example, while your kids are playing in the other room, you hear your older son tell your younger son, “I hate you! You always ruin everything. I wish you were never born.” Your heart starts beating loudly. Before you know it, you find yourself running into the room and yelling at your older child: “Alex how could you say that to your brother? That is a horrible thing to say. At this rate he’s going to be the one hating you. Tell him sorry immediately!”
What just happened? In a flash, you lost the ability to be the calm, steady, non-shaming parent you want to be. Why? You got triggered. The interaction between your children brought back a stress response in your body from years of being verbally put down by your older sister. Whether she was making fun of your hair, telling you you weren’t smart, or humiliating you in front of your friends, you felt powerless and enraged. While you hardly think about those interactions in your current life, in this moment with your children, that younger part of you that often felt belittled takes over. A strong urge to protect your younger son sets in and you end up yelling at your older son.
Amidst being emotionally triggered, we miss the opportunity to intervene with our children in a way that helps them learn and grow (in this case, helping your son identify what he was feeling and determine a kinder way to communicate it to his brother). We also may inadvertently shame, confuse or scare our children, leading them to feel badly about themselves or feel alone, all without learning the skills necessary to change their behavior.
Understanding your own triggers and healing the experiences that led to them is a key component in raising self-assured, well-adjusted children. Therapy is a powerful place to do this.
Therapy can help you build insight into your reactions and your past in order to know yourself more deeply and ultimately be more emotionally present, calm and effective in your communication with your children. Therapy also helps repair the places in the nervous system where difficult and painful experiences are stored, allowing you to remain grounded, rather than emotionally reactive.
Children are like mirrors. If we listen we notice that they are constantly inviting us to look inward to know ourselves more fully and heal our old wounds so that we can help them learn who they are as they navigate the world.
If you are interested in learning more about therapy and how it might help, please reach out. SageWell Health specializes in working with parents who are interested in improving their relationship with their children. Learn more about our approach or click below to set up a free 15-minute consultation.